Suicide: A Confession
The only thing I can imagine being harder than writing this blog would be if I had ever actually written my suicide note.
A couple of weeks ago I shared about my personal struggles with depression. This week I want to continue that conversation and go a step further. If society sees depression as a somewhat taboo topic, today we’re going to the super taboo – suicide.
I do want to preface this blog stating that I don’t consider myself a suicidal person. I have never attempted suicide, but due to my depression, I have had long periods of time where that seemed like a viable option and was something I thought about. And I’m not alone in these thoughts. During CECE’s 2018 National Camp, we had a space where students responded anonymously, and thus honestly, to some hard questions in a space we called “Where is your brother?” One of the questions asked was “Have you ever considered suicide?” and 30% of students responded yes. Thirty percent – that is almost one in three students! This number should immediately call us to action as a community.
During that moment at National Camp, I almost collapsed in tears. One of my deepest, darkest secrets was a reality for 30% of my students as well.
If I’m completely honest and take off the masks I like to wear, it hasn’t been that long since I’ve had these kind of thoughts. Working as a staff worker, leading students, sharing the gospel, and being the “missionary” I often feel I have no space to speak openly about what’s going on. What kind of a staff has these kind of thoughts? What kind of missionary doesn’t know how loved he is by God? What kind of son doesn’t know the immense love of his own family? These are the thoughts that constantly go through my own head in these dark times. Know that depression has a way of sending us on a downward spiral where we can’t easily see the light, but only our own failures, thus sending us further into the abyss. On good days, I know my family’s unending love; I know I’m not perfect as a staff and I’m not expected to be; I know that I am loved unconditionally by the Father, but it’s on the bad days I struggle to remember these things. On the bad days I remember my failures, words of criticism, and feel the distance of the isolation I seek from my community.
But that’s the hinge right there – community. As much as my depression wants me to isolate myself, I know in those moments the thing I need most is a friend.
If you’ve never wrestled with depression or suicidal thoughts, you can’t fully know how hard it is to ask for help in that moment. A few months ago when I was in one of these moments it literally took every ounce of emotional and physical strength I had to write a text to a friend:
“Hey! Would you mind intentionally praying for me over the next couple of days? Depression has hit hard and everything feels like it’s falling apart. I don’t have many I can be terribly open with here, so I wanted to reach out. I am meeting with my therapist today, so hopefully that will be a good space. I don’t even really have words at the moment. Just thanks.”
Send.
Upon hitting send, I collapsed into a ball on the floor, uncontrollably weeping as the weight of my depression and those dark thoughts crushed me. Sending that message was hard. It. Took. Everything. But it also meant everything when I got a response a few minutes later:
“Of course! Wish I could give you a hug and just hang out with you. I will be praying for you to be at peace and free of your depression. Miss you friend and hope you know how valued you are. Let me know if you need to talk at any point, I’m here for you.”
Community is key. Having the strength to take off the mask and reach out in that exact moment is also key. If you don’t have people with whom you can share openly with, how can you go about cultivating those kinds of relationships now? Who is a person you can trust with your heart in those moments? Your family? A good friend? A mentor? Your pastor? Find someone and have a conversation on one of the good days so that they can walk with you on the bad days.
If you are a person that has not struggled with this, I want to share how you can help those of us that do struggle. Notice how my friend responded to my initial message. It’s not judgmental at all. He doesn’t offer “answers” or try to “help” me fix my depression. He recognizes it’s my struggle and he can’t fully understand it. Instead, he listens. He affirms me. And he offers to sit with me in this darkness. Please don’t treat your friends wrestling with depression as projects to fix. Simply be a friend. And know that you don’t even have to wait to receive a text like this from them to reach out. If you know a friend is struggling – even if they are wearing the “I’m fine” mask – send a message saying “Thinking of you today. Know how much I appreciate your friendship. Let’s grab coffee soon!” It may not mean much to you, but it can literally give life to us.
Back to those of us that struggle. There are some other ways for us to care well for ourselves. We need to know that this is bigger than us. Reading the Bible and knowing the love of the Father is so important. On the dark days, I may only know the love of God at an intellectual level – where I can think it, but I’m far from feeling His love. I hold to the fact that I am loved, even when I don’t feel it. I attempt to write down what I am feeling to process it all. I try to keep to a regular self-care routine with spaces of rest, physical exercise, healthy eating, and spending time investing in important relationships. I am intentional about praying and studying God’s Word, even when I don’t want to. And I try to be completely honest with God about how I am feeling – it’s no surprise to Him how I feel and He loves it when we come to Him bearing our hearts in those moments.
As dark as it may sound, one source of comfort in the moments I don’t want to go on is to put my hand on my heart, feel my heartbeat and pray the prayer, “God, if You have no more work for me this side of heaven, please call me home. If You do have more for me to do, give me the strength to go on.” It sounds morbid, but at the same time, it gives me the hope to go on knowing that God knows the plans He has for me and if I am living it is because He has given me a purpose.
So I invite you to do that. Put your hand on your heart. Breathe deep. Feel your heartbeat. Every pulse is a reminder of the purpose God has for you. Every pulse is a reminder of how loved you are. Every pulse is a reminder that you are part of a story so much bigger than yourself. So let’s push on together.
If you are currently struggling, please reach out! CECE students can always reach out to their local staff worker. There are also various resources on top of the community you already have:
Teléfono Amigo | www.telefonoamigo.org
Quito (02) 290 6030 y (02) 209 6060 | domingo a domingo 9:00 a 13:00 y 15:00 a 23:00 | escucha@telefonoamigo.org
Ambato (03) 282 2225 | lunes a Viernes de 14:30 a 21:30 | telefonoamigoambato@hotmail.com
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline | www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
USA +1-800-273-8255 | 24/7 service | Chat also available
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