Depression: I’m not fine
I see a dark cloud. In the center of this cloud, I see a person who looks like an ant in comparison to the size of this gray cloud. I see that the person is trapped with a chain around one ankle. Every time the person tries to move, I see a visible sound note come out of the chain and instead of the normal sound a chain would make when moving, it makes the sound of words of critique this person has received in the past. As soon as the critique finishes, the sound note transforms into a black raven, which, in the voice of the person chained to the ground, begins to repeat over and over these words of critique. Every time this person moves, a new sound note with a new critique comes out which then transforms into another black raven until the sky is full of these black ravens shrieking critiques. The person attempts to hide in his own legs in the fetal position. He tries to breathe. He tries to survive.
We all have secrets. Every single day we wear a mask.
The most common mask we wear today is the response of, “I’m fine” when responding to the everyday question, “How are you?” With everything we see on social networks and due to cultural expectations, it is really common to promote a false life that others can observe via Instagram and through our fake smiles. Social networks become a highlight reel of our lives, showing only the best parts of our lives and completely ignoring anything that is hard, ugly, or remotely real.
The mask that I prefer to wear is that of the fake smile because it so easily hides what I really feel many times – depression. To start this conversation well, we need to understand what depression is and what it is not. The Mayo Clinic defines depression as, “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest… [I]t affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn’t worth living. More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn’t a weakness and you can’t simply “snap out” of it. Depression may require long-term treatment” (Cite). It is important to reiterate that depression is not simply sadness.
In my personal experience, I didn’t believe myself to be a depressive person. My friends have always described me as a relatively happy and funny person and I tended to think the same. Because of this, I was quite surprised when the results to some psychological exams I took for work stated that “His levels of inner depression and anxiety should be closely discussed and the value of low-dose medication may be an option to consider…” How could this be?! I felt fine. At least that’s how I had been answering the everyday question I’d been asked. I was blind to my own mask.
For me, when I am depressed, I try to do more. I try to escape the reality of my feelings and emotions by occupying myself with other tasks or with my job. It’s when I take the time to reflect and think that the weight of my depression crushes me. Because of this, I spent a lot of time trying to hide my depression from my friends and family because I didn’t think it polite to talk about those kinds of things. Sometimes I did want to share what I was going through with someone, but even when I had the desire to talk, I lacked the words to describe what I was feeling. It was around that time when I found this video of a girl sharing a poem of her experience trying to describe her depression to her mother:
During National Camp 2018 with the Comunidad de Estudiantes Cristianos del Ecuador (CECE), we had a time we called ¿Dónde está tu hermano? (Where is your brother?) where 104 students responded anonymously to 19 personal, and at times taboo, questions. Within these questions was one that when I saw the response I almost collapsed in tears there on the spot. The phrase on the sheet read, “I have thought about committing suicide” and 30% of the students present in this National Camp answered that they had considered it. The reason I almost cried during this moment at National Camp is that I can understand. Behind the mask I normally wear, at times I am drowning due to my own tears.
It’s because of this that I decided to take off my own mask. I realized that, in contrast to how I tend to answer that everyday question, I really wasn’t fine. I needed help. And it’s okay to ask for help! Help can come from our communities – family, friends, the church. But there is also professional help available – psychologists and psychiatrists. Personally, it was only through the help of a professional psychologist that I learned how to describe what I felt (for example, that scene at the beginning of this blog with the clouds and the black ravens is what I saw in one of my sessions).
With 30% of my students who have thought about ending their lives, we have to start a conversation. We didn’t ask directly about depression during Where is your brother? but I can bet there is a strong correlation between the two themes.
If you are wrestling with depression, I want you to know that you are not alone. We asked all of these questions during Where is your brother? at National Camp so we could get to know our community in a real way. We see the importance of community in every chapter of the Bible – God himself is community! The hardest step to take is to start to talk about your depression. By talking about it, it has less power over us because we now have a community there supporting us and praying for us. So I want to encourage you to take off your mask. There is so much power in the “simple” response of “Actually, I’m not fine.”
Within CECE there is always someone you can talk to. I encourage you to share your struggle with a trusted friend or your staff worker. And if you want professional help, we have contact with various professionals in various cities to walk with you in this process. Again, you are not alone.
I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
“What are you hiding from God? … Your addiction to power and control? The pills you take to allay the pain and loneliness? Deep insecurity? What if you let His grace touch that area of your life? A lot of times it’s not God’s grace that is being held back but rather the fact that we’re hiding. We all wear these masks meaning we all have something we project on the outside to others that doesn’t truthfully represent who we are. We hide behind our jobs, behind our accomplishments, behind our athletics, behind our grades, behind our relationships, and so on. We don’t want anyone to see who we truly are – our true selves. The problem with wearing masks is even when we receive love, it’s really the mask that is receiving the love, not us. Whatever gets thrown at us will always hit the mask and can’t penetrate our souls – so it is with God’s grace. Every second of every day He pursues us and offers grace, but until we take off our masks we will never be able to accept it. When we expose ourselves and are completely vulnerable we lose control, but gain joy and freedom. No matter what your sin is, nothing is outside of grace. No sin is too powerful for God to forgive… Grace always wins.”
– Jefferson Bethke, Jesus > Religion: Why He Is So Much Better Than Trying Harder,
Doing More, and Being Good Enough, page 139
*Published originally in Spanish on CECE’s blog. You can find the original post here: http://www.somoslacece.com/la-depresion-no-estoy-bien/
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